Forgiving others is, without a doubt, humbling. You have to consciously decide to be the bigger person to work through an offense. (Add an extra dose of humility when the offender is someone you’re supposed to trust.) That step is necessary and hard, but what happens after you make a decision to show mercy? How do you truly forgive someone? More so, how do you let that person know you’ve truly forgiven them and move forward in a healthier and, hopefully, happier way? Just as there’s no one way to offend, there’s no one way to forgive. The important thing is that you work through your issues to improve your relationship. Here’s advice on how to forgive someone, and what forgiveness in a relationship truly looks according to Fred Luskin, Ph.D. the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, Robert Enright, PhD, a forgiveness expert and professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and Loren Toussaint, PhD, associate director of the Sierra Leone Forgiveness Project.
How to Forgive Someone: The Buddhist Way
Fred Luskin, Ph.D. is the director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project and a senior consultant in health promotion at Stanford University. He sees forgiveness as making peace with the parts of life that didn’t go the way you hoped –– and that’s precisely why it’s so hard. “That core conundrum of not being able to get what you want and feeling powerless is at the heart of why forgiveness is a challenge,” he says. In order to learn how to forgive, Luskin believes people need to change their way of thinking. His theory is rooted in transcendence, a Buddhist philosophy that encourages people to rise above offenses. Here, per Luskin, is what the path towards forgiveness in a relationship looks like. If you did, perhaps, make a bad decision getting together with your partner, it’s important to remember that was your choice. “If you did bad math or you were drunk or your partner was really cute and you wanted to have sex, all of those are really legitimate reasons to make a decision,” he says. “But your wrong decision isn’t your partner’s fault.” “You can’t see your partner’s flaws clearly because you’re flawed,” he says. “And if you can’t live with them, you can go find someone else. But you’re always going to be dealing with something.”
How to Forgive Someone: The Classical Way
Robert Enright, PhD, is a forgiveness expert and professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. He sees forgiveness as a moral virtue. Rather than simply reframing your thinking, Enright encourages people to look at the question of how to forgive as a way to do good to others and themselves. Rather than giving someone what they deserve, you recognize they are a fellow human that deserves love and goodness. That, of course, doesn’t mean letting the other person off the hook. “One thing Aristotle taught me is never to practice moral virtues in isolation,” Enright says. “Forgiveness alone can cause the other person to take advantage of you. If you’re concerned about the goodness of your spouse, for example, you can help them grow.” The question of how to forgive still remains difficult. But there is a path. Here, per Enright, are the steps to forgiveness in a relationship.
How to Forgive Someone: The Pragmatic Way
Loren Toussaint, PhD, is a professor of psychology at Luther College and associate director of the Sierra Leone Forgiveness Project. He sees forgiveness as an important way to maintain a relationship. If another driver cuts you off on the road, you might just take a deep breath and brush off the offense. But deciding not to hate someone isn’t good enough in a romantic relationship. “It’s not just about getting rid of the nastiness you feel, but replacing it to build back the good stuff that was originally there, the reason you were in the relationship to begin with,” he says. Here are Toussaint’s steps for forgiveness in a relationship. Take the COVID-19 vaccine as an example. If you get jabbed and your spouse won’t get one, you might feel personally offended by their choice. “But if you can’t even consider the person’s perspective, there’s no way you’ll be able to forgive,” says Toussaint. “You don’t have to agree with the perspective, but be open to seeing how someone could think that way. That could open the door to forgiveness.” “Forgiveness might have to be ongoing in a marriage or take place ten years later after a marriage has been broken,” Toussaint says. “No matter where or when you find yourself in need of it, it’s a productive response to being hurt.”
